This is a sensitive topic for me, but here goes. I have wrestled with my weight most of my adult life. I’m not saying I’ve been a candidate for a reality tv show or in need of bariatric surgery. But the struggle is real. I could point to lots of issues — hormones, health problems, genetics. But bigger than any of these problems is this: I am an emotional eater and I have been for a long time.

Like so many others, I’ve been dieting off and on since my twenties. And, like so many others, I have endured the same disappointing cycle, again and again. Initially I’m full of enthusiasm and energy. This is it! I can feel it in my bones! I’ll be doing _____(*insert current diet)_____ (*Weight Watchers, South Beach, Intermittent Fasting…) for the rest of my days! I won’t have to think about it. I’ll just work the plan and wake up skinny! I’ll never give up! I’m all in! I’m done being overweight! Yahoo! Let’s go shopping for cute jeans!

Sometimes I fall off the wagon because of a holiday or a favorite restaurant meal that knocks me off my course. But more often than not, it just starts with stress. The day has been long, and my mind and body are still racing and reeling. And for me, the quickest exit off the supersonic stress highway has all too frequently been a bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream. I know I’m out of points, or calories, or whatever.  But I NEED this, I whine. And after this day, I DESERVE it.

One episode of eating-my-emotions turns into a few days of cheating, turns into another diet fail. I have fallen and I don’t know how to get back up. Throw the cute jeans to the back of the closet and try to ignore how lousy I feel about myself right now. Really lousy. So lousy that I am growing somewhat desperate. I need comfort and I need it now! And so, of course, — I turn to the Word, I pray my way through, and ta-da! I’m feeling much better!

Uh, wait. No, I don’t. Nine times out of ten, I turn to the same false comforter that got me here in the first place. Yep. Here I am again, standing at the fridge, looking to drown my sorrows with some nachos and cheese. (#@%!)

A few months ago, some dear friends invited me to do NOOM with them. (It’s basically a calorie counting app with some helpful psychology thrown in.) In truth, I wanted nothing to do with it. But it’s a good program, and I knew I needed it. Plus, being at an all-time-high on the scales, how could I say no? I signed up and tried hard to gen-up some excitement. I lasted a few weeks, lost five pounds, promptly fell off the wagon, and just COULD NOT get back up.

Thirty years of this stupid cycle, God! What’s wrong with me? I am at such a loss! My cries at my current failure were more than just frustration. They were cries of anguish.

***

Meanwhile, in my morning quiet times with the Lord, I’ve been trying out a new practice. I’ve been intentionally placing myself under His covering. As I pray for the day ahead, I envision myself literally sliding back under His enormous wings, nestling into to His warmth and protection. Sometimes I even make a motion with my hands as if to draw a hood up over my head. “Under His wings will I take refuge.” It’s turning into a powerful way to start the day.

One morning recently as I prayed and practiced, I felt a sharp pang of awareness. I heard His Voice. You can stay under my covering all day, little one. And oh, how I want you to! But you can’t drag the fridge in here with you. If you want other lovers, you have the freedom to seek them. But do you really want to leave this sheltered place, this protected intimacy for… for that? 

It wasn’t harsh. It wasn’t condemning. And it wasn’t theoretical. It was real, it was for me, it was for now. And for the first time in my life, I could SEE it. It wasn’t about food, and diets, and discipline. It wasn’t about beautiful or even healthy. It was just about staying close, about embracing this quiet place under His wing. It was about choosing Him.

I’m still in the infant stages of this new paradigm. I am toddling forward on unsteady legs, keenly aware of my own fragility. But I am also quietly rejoicing. Because I have found a piece of freedom AND I KNOW IT. I have found a safe place. And I can now see the trade for what it is – absurd. No thanks. I’m very content in here, beginning to taste the sweetness of You. And there’s no sweet out there that is worth leaving my protected perch. I’m staying right here, under the shelter of the Almighty.

“He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge.”
Psalm 91:4a