So this is a new thing for me, here at SarahsSong. I have invited my dear friend and fellow writer, Christine Zimmerman, to share her thoughts here in the wonderful post that follows, entitled, “I’m Sorry.” I hope it blesses you as much as it did me!

How often I speak these words! And even when I am not saying them aloud, I am saying them on the inside. Is this a woman-thing or a me-thing? Gauging from the frequent apologies I hear from other women in my life, I’m going to venture a wild guess and say that many women feel the need to say, “I’m sorry” for things that bear no need for apology.

If I spill coffee on you, or forget our lunch date, or spout rash words that clearly hurt you, I need to apologize. These cases are obvious. But these apologies are not the ones in question. The ones we need to reign in are all the apologies for feared offenses, for our basic human needs, and for all that stuff we had absolutely nothing to do with!

I mean, really. I recently found myself apologizing for the slippery roads to an out-of-town visitor.  Slippery roads? Seriously?! Since when am I in control of the weather?! And it’s not just me. Based on what I hear, we feel the need to apologize for more than our own actions. Much more. We apologize for our feelings, our needs, our desires, our actions, our words, others’ actions, others’ words, our not-enoughness, our too-muchness, the price of tea in China . . .

It is learned behavior. It has become habitual behavior. It is a PROBLEM.

But like all learned behaviors, it can be unlearned. And it’s time to start.  This idea for a change began taking shape during a writing weekend with a good friend. As I noticed both of us apologizing to one another for silly things, it hit me. We have learned this pattern in social settings. So, let’s unlearn it in social settings. Let’s put each other to work!

What if, when with certain trusted friends, we set a boundary around apologizing:  the only apologies allowed are those for REAL offenses? What if we commit to one another that for the time that we are together, we will simply say what we need, offering no apologies? What if we trusted the other to do the same? What if we commit to being authentically who we are without making excuses, asking permission, or apologizing for everything?

Who knows? Maybe as we practice being our authentic selves in these safe places, we will have the confidence to be who we are everywhere, to unapologetically take our places in this world.

Christine Zimmerman