Hide and Seek
I yearn to be truly seen. I long to be deeply known. It’s a hardwired desire in the human heart and I am definitely no exception. But here’s the thing. I am also terrified of it. Literally. Because if you fully know me, there will be parts of me that you will misunderstand, dislike, or perhaps even despise. Yes, sometimes being known feels like that deeply satisfying connection that we innately long to experience. But sometimes, it feels more like a bare lightbulb dangling in your face as you are tied to the interrogation chair. Exposed. No where to hide. Found wanting. And so I, perhaps like you, find myself feeling deeply conflicted about how much I really want to be seen. I long to be open — free to connect deeply. But I also find myself hanging back, squinting and braced for the bare lightbulb treatment.
And there’s nothing like a women’s retreat with 400 of your new best friends to bring that particular struggle to the forefront! So yes, I recently had the privilege of attending a women’s retreat in the breathtaking mountains of Colorado. The setting was surreal in its beauty. As I stepped out from the airport shuttle and drew in my first breath of the fresh mountain air, I sighed contentedly. The breeze was crisp, but the afternoon sun was still comforting and warm. As I stood for a moment, taking in the view, a lump literally formed in my throat in awe at the grandeur of the mountains, brilliantly accented by the the aspens in their full golden glory. Yes, the aspens. We’ll be coming back to those.
In the midst of this idyllic setting, women from all over the map had gathered to worship our God, to pray, and to look more deeply at both their Savior and themselves. We had assembled to hear from amazing speakers, but also to open our hearts to hear what the Lord, Himself, might want to say to us. The first part was easy. The second was intimidating.
Our format for availing ourselves to hearing from God (no small aspiration there!) was to have regular “covenants of silence” throughout the four day retreat. We would worship, we would listen to a wise and gracious speaker, and then we would silently disburse across the retreat center campus, each finding a place of solitude where we could speak privately with God.
As I’ve already explained, I was definitely wrestling this weekend with the hide-and-seek war within my own soul. So during one of the first of these covenants of silence, I had asked the Lord about His perspective on that. This is what I heard.
“I cover you. And I see you. BOTH.”
Okay. Wow. I’m pretty sure that thought that just ran through my head was You, Lord. So… I am both covered and seen. Yes. It’s not either/or. I need them both, of course! When I need to be seen, you see me. Yet when the world is pressing in and I am gasping for air and needing space, you cover and hide me. Both hidden and seen. Thank you for that. I mean, thanks for speaking to me at all, but especially for that!
As I was still sitting on the rocky outcropping, processing the fact that I was pretty sure the God of the universe just spoke to me, it started to rain. I had walked a good ways away from the lodge to reach my place of solitude, so as the icy drops fell, I immediately started back. As I walked, it came down harder. Still having a good ways to go, I noticed a small grouping of trees and decided to seek refuge there, hoping to wait it out. Once I had reached the most dense section of the trees, I found that I was, indeed, nicely sheltered from the rain. Grateful for these trees, I un-crouched and began to look around. This is what I saw.
Yep. Eyes. On the trees. The trees that were covering me. AND yet …somehow seeing me at the same time. I immediately took out my journal and wrote the following. “Thank you for that rain. Thank you for ushering me into that spot where I would notice the “eyes” on the aspen trees. Thank you for your generous confirmation that you really were speaking to me. You are so kind.”
Yes, friends. He is so kind. He “gets you” and sees you in ways that no one else ever could. Yet He also covers you and hides you away under the shelter of His wings. I hope you get a chance to rest your heart in those truths today.`
I LOVE hearing your voice! Is that a new feature? Beautiful thought both “covered and seen.” It reminded me of a verse from a hymn”….He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock and covers me there with his hand”. You words are so comforting to me at this moment when I feel invisible and exposed at the same time in my new surroundings in Germany. Thank you for the encouragement of the truth though- that actually, I am both covered and seen!
Rachel, I am beyond delighted that this post ministered to you. To tell you the truth, the thought of it brings me to tears. He sees you; and He wraps you safely in His covering as you navigate this new land.
As for the voice feature, thanks for the feedback! I don’t have any fancy recording equipment (just a voice memo on my phone) but know that sometimes when you don’t have time to read, you might still be able to listen. Hope it’s helpful!
Sarah, I so look forward to your beautiful insights about God. Sometimes our journey in life is disrupted by everyday tasks. We are unable to take those very important moments to appreciate all he has given us. In your blog, you identify so simply the beauty of his glory. Thank you so very very much. Blessings ✝️
I’m so grateful that it is helpful to you. I don’t have a ton of readers yet, but if it draws even one heart closer to our Lord, that is genuinely worth it to me. Thank you for your faithful encouragement, Carol! ❤️
This is so beautiful Sarah! What a gift to hear from God so directly and recognize Him in nature, communicating a wonderful reminder.
I had the distinct pleasure of being one of Sarah’s dorm-mates during this retreat in Colorado.
It was so lovely to hear a bit of her experience there.
Mine was entirely different, but equally powerful.
The highest joy that I have experienced in the aftermath of the retreat has been becoming friends with Sarah and many other amazing women who are seeking The Lord and and take the time to pray for me!
I am in awe every time I read one of your blogs! You surely did hear God’s voice and you expressed it so clearly. Thank you for letting the life of God flow through you to others. We are all blessed!
I throughly enjoyed reading your blog! It really spoke to me in the quietness of the morning how much he holds us and allows us to be truly His but at the same time let’s us enjoy the freedom of seeing the beauty in what He has made
I love this! I love you! Covered and seen…beautiful!
Sarah, as I read your blog this time, I was carried there with you by your artistic description to a place of peace and beauty. Thank you once again for sharing some of the steps of your journey!
Our Lord is such a magnificent communicator, both seeing and covering! It reminds me of the time Jesus asked if it was easier to forgive sins or to heal: when they didn’t answer (because they could do neither) he healed the withered hand in their sight, which illustrated his equal ability to do the invisible forgiving of sin. What a wonderful encounter you had, and thank you for both hearing and sharing!
Mike