It was late and I was exhausted from a particularly draining day. My mind was whirling in too many directions to count, my body was stiff from tension, and I was seriously unenthused with my life at the moment. What I needed was to go to bed and recharge. But what I wanted was to be entertained, distracted, and transported to a different world and a different life, even if just for a moment. I didn’t want simple rest. I wanted escape. I wanted to check out.
It was 10 PM when I turned on the TV to surf for my escape vehicle. Within five minutes it was clear that there was nothing worth watching. Yes, over one hundred channels and still nothing on. “I REALLY just need to go to bed. But…” On my second time scrolling through, I noticed the 1980’s classic, Risky Business. You remember it, right? It’s the one where a high school version of Tom Cruise dances in his unmentionables. “Okay, okay, it’s not a fantastic option, but maybe I’ll watch just the first 10 minutes. I need something, anything, to help me forget the pain in my body and drown out the chaos in my brain.”
Before I knew it, though, I was hooked. The movie, itself, was pretty unremarkable. Worse yet, most of the themes and scenes were raunchy. On the other hand, it did have that intangible draw that most Tom Cruise movies do. And anyway, when it came right down to it, I was looking for a way to allow my mind to wander to an alternate reality. I just wanted to check out for a while! And in the end, we usually get what we’re looking for, even when we know better.
“Ok, so it’s midnight now and the alarm is still going off at six. Stupid, stupid! Not to mention the fact that I just watched a string of sex scenes and didn’t even blink. Dang it. How did ten minutes turn into two hours?!” (I KNOW I’m not the only one who’s ever been here!)
I felt slimed from entertaining the debauchery and annoyed for having wasted valuable rest time. As I lay in bed bidding sleep to come quickly, I eagerly repented for my slide into sloth. “Sorry, Father. I could have done so much better. Please help me next time!”
But even as I said the words, I knew that there would indeed be a “next time.” Okay, that’s an uncomfortable realization. More than uncomfortable, I felt a little hopeless as I allowed the thought to fully form in my mind. “This is not just a random event for me. This IS how I deal with stress, more often than I care to admit. I check out. Sometimes it’s drowning my sorrows in a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Other times I binge on a favorite Netflix series. Still others, I bury myself in the latest and greatest project that will consume me for the foreseeable future. “No time to think! Busy, busy, busy!”
Don’t get me wrong! I’m a huge fan of a delicious dessert, a great movie, or an exciting new project. But I want to enjoy them for their own sake, NOT bury myself in them as anesthetic to numb the pain of life.
That night as I admitted to myself this pattern of “checking out,” I felt the Lord calling me to a higher place. I sensed from Him a nudging toward a new pattern.
“Instead of checking out, try checking in.”
Checking in. Hmmm…
- Check in with my body? Okay. I definitely have been hunching my shoulders all day. Can I make the conscious decision to lower them now? Would that be all right? And I guess three minutes of breathe, stretch, and repeat wouldn’t kill me.
- Check in with my anxious thoughts? This one’s a little scarier! Turn around and face them? Seriously?! I feel like I’d rather put my fingers in my ears and sing something, really loud. Something like, “I’m nooo-ot li-sten-ing, laaa, la, la, laa, laaaa!” Yikes.Fine. I suppose maybe we could peek at them together, Lord? Better yet, I guess I could spend a few minutes giving each of them to you, at least for the night? “…I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29b, NIV.) Rest for my soul. Yeah, that’s what I need.
As we all know, patterns aren’t easy to break. But in the past few months since my “Risky Business” epiphany, I’m finding myself walking some new paths. Specifically, when I’m exhausted and irritated and in pain, my old go-to would be to blast some larger-than-life-story-line, loud enough to drown out the pain, even if just for a moment. But now I am learning to stop and face whatever is draining me, and then hand it off to the Lord. Even though it’s not easy, it is fairly simple. And even though the relief isn’t as immediate as the “drown-out-method,” the relief is longer lasting and has fewer side effects. (Just ask me at 6 AM!)
Okay, enough about me. How about you? If you’ve made it this far in the post, something must be resonating with you! Maybe you reach for the remote, the sugar, or the wine glass when you’re trying not to grind the gears between 60 and zero. If so, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. And if you’re learning better ways to wind down, why not share them? You might just have the answer that someone else is desperate to hear.
Yes I do this too!! Especially on my phone. I’ve struggled with anxiety and mild depression all summer and I’m trying to retrain my thoughts. It’s so hard!! It’s easy to reach for my phone instead of think about what’s bothering me, or read a good book, or journal and listen to worship music. I feel so much better when I face it head on but it seems to be easier to reach for my phone, even though that doesn’t lead to the recharging I was looking for.
Maggie, you are SO right! Reaching for our own personal check out device only feels good for a moment. In the end, though, it drains us instead of recharging us as we so desperately need. Keep fighting, girl!
You’re certainly not alone in the battle against checking out. My #1 go to is to isolate myself in WORK – finding some task or chore to pour myself into to make me feel better. #2 SLEEP – take a banadryl and go to bed to just stop the endless tape of negative thoughts. And recently, God has been calling me away from a subtle check out – #3 LISTENING TO OTHER VOICES before sitting with Him; when I’m feeling wrestless I tend to crave podcasts, good music, quick pick-me-up devotionals or a friends input – all good things, but at times things that can be an escape from hearing My Father’s loving voice personally. Instead of those quick “cookies”, I’m training myself to go to the “meat” of the Word – Living and written- by choosing to sit quietly with Jesus in prayer and by listening to a lot of Scripture throughout the day.
You’ve opened my eyes and made me put the book down. I keep saying to myself, “You can study God’s Word when you feel better tomorrow.” But tomorrow often comes and I am still in pain. Or I feel better and “treat” myself to something I really enjoy. Oh, the lies of the enemy are strong! But I will turn to the One who is stronger still.
Kendra and Cheryl, thanks so much for adding your stories. Our vulnerability makes us powerful!
I definitely feel myself drawn to the fleeting relief of a good movie, book, ice cream or game often. It has lately been pressing on my mind lately the phrase of seek God’s face, not face book, ect. Thank you for sharing your story.
Wow! You spoke right to my heart. Just the other day when I couldn’t take anymore LIFE. I closed my bedroom door told my child not to come to the door and binged watched Gilmore Girls. I then texted my husband and told him that we were eating take out. Eventually I was able to come out and face the last couple of hours of the day. But after your reading your post, I was drawn to ask God for forgiveness and to forgive myself. It was not good food for my soul nor did it show my family the love of God. Like you mentioned in your post nothing is wrong with the things I did but just with the heart I did them with. I need to remember that going to God in prayer needs to be my first defense. It feels harder at first but the benefits for me and my family are eternal.
“Workaholic” is my preferred epithet–it seems like such a noble and defensible place in which to hide, but hiding is the genuine essence of it for me. “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirits.” {Proverbs 16:2) Perhaps there is such a thing as a spirit of avoidance!